


daring yourself forward

by maevestrom



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Kakusei | Fire Emblem: Awakening
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/F, Impulse Control, Phone Calls & Telephones, Talking, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:14:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22609117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maevestrom/pseuds/maevestrom
Summary: It is so easy to let go, and yet they have not.An offshoot of building up to the quiet
Relationships: Olivia/Sumia
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	daring yourself forward

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [building up to the quiet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21816478) by [maevestrom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maevestrom/pseuds/maevestrom). 



> This is purely, purely self-indulgent. A lot of past works have the subtext of being things that weighed on my mind translated through unique characters and situations but this was pretty blatantly made to help me with my own mired romantic feelings. I think I actually wrote it so I could breathe easier soooo enjoy something literally written for myself.

_ is something wrong _

Sumia isn’t sure what to say, because there is, she’s a bad liar, she shouldn’t lie, but she can’t bring herself to tell the truth. So she sits on her couch, phone in her hand, trying to find the right words to explain why her own text messages are clipped, why whenever Olivia pushes points about their status as a thing Sumia sort of deflects it onto her, why her own viewpoint on things doesn’t matter to her especially in regards to this…

Something is very, very wrong. 

_ I mean… yeah. :( _

Sumia thinks that maybe the very wrong thing is her.

_ It’s not you though I promise! _

At the very least it’s something. Sumia feels more comfortable telling part of the truth than the whole thing. Even still, she kind of wants to cry. She shouldn’t be feeling this way. It isn’t fair to Olivia and, well… it doesn’t feel good to herself either. 

_ okay  _

Sumia’s glad she said something. She just knows Olivia was ready to blame herself. Olivia has said many a time that she’s not used to the kind of  _ thing  _ between them, which itself strikes Sumia as odd because Olivia has had relationships before, many of which were varying degrees of solidified. If anything is different, it’s because they’re not committed yet. They both were upfront with how they needed time. Well, eventually. It went unsaid at first, but it was definitely implied. The conversation about it was… difficult, and Sumia knows that neither of them was completely transparent, but it was necessary. Olivia talked about how she was nervous and wanted to do things right, and Sumia… 

Well…

Sumia had mentioned  _ her,  _ at the very least. 

She already had when the wedding they met at happened, about when Olivia stayed over for the night and they talked things over a little and there were sparks, like  _ actual  _ sparks that this wouldn’t hurt as bad without. She mentioned having had it bad for a woman, and she had a feeling that Olivia knew it was Cordelia (seeing as just mentioning her or being around her at any point brought out something heavy in Sumia) even before she first told Olivia who it was (along with too many apologies). While she was never as sure about the concrete logistics of what Olivia was dealing with, Sumia definitely knew a thing about internal turmoil, so she never pressed on it too hard. Olivia clearly feels bad about her hangups, just as Sumia feels  _ very  _ bad about her  _ very  _ big hangup, so she doesn’t really push Olivia to feel bad about hers.

Which, more than anything, is maybe why they stalled in this strange middle of the road zone. 

The vibration on her chest shocks Sumia out of her thoughts. Damn it, she got caught up overthinking. Cordelia always knew that she did. She always called her out on it. Sumia liked that call to action attitude that she had. Well, past tense is wrong- they still talk occasionally, but it feels like she’s just visiting because if she stays she’ll go mad, and  _ oh yeah Olivia texted me and I should answer that.  _

_ do you want to talk about it _

Sumia closes her eyes. She doesn’t. She really doesn’t. She should, but she doesn’t, but she should, but it’ll just be hurtful to Olivia and it won’t make things better for her. It’ll just make Olivia feel like she’ll never be the one, that she’ll never be enough, and she knows that Olivia is really trying to be something. She just… picked Sumia, and Sumia’s really sorry about that. 

She hasn’t replied in a minute and tears keep stinging her eyes. 

Then Olivia drops a shell on her. 

_ is it about cordelia _

Dang it. Frickin’ dang it. How did she know? Sumia thinks she’s probably just easy to read and transparent. She knows she’s been thinking of Cordelia all day, missing her, wishing things had worked out. It’s sad, and she knows how sad it is, and this is the type of thing she would do when she wasn’t seeing someone like she is Olivia. 

To be clear, it’s nothing intense. Olivia has visited her homestead out in the semi-sticks of Ylisse about four or five times overnight. Sumia cooks, they talk a lot, they’re generally more honest than they are with anyone else, Olivia’s a sweetheart and a flirt with a shy side, like someone who knows she’s the elder stateswoman of sapphism between them but is still nervous about tripping over a wire in some scenario. Sometimes they sleep together- almost entirely cuddling, though the occasional kissing session slips in every now and again. It all seems to be building towards more, but Olivia has always been so cautious about it… and this is probably why.

She really owes it to Olivia, to be honest. Stop stringing her along. If she even is, in the first place.

_ Yes. And I’m really sorry.  _

_ I was kinda hoping it was over with, sorry.  _

_ It’s okay if you’re mad at me. I totally get it and I’m sorry.  _

Sumia could probably text more if she wasn’t crippled with worry over saying the wrong thing so much that her head could burst aflame with how much it’s in overdrive. Probably for the best that she doesn’t talk anymore. She’s already a lot to deal with right now and she just made it worse.

Then:

_ i understand. can we go to facetime? if u can, figure we should talk it out  _

Sumia sighs to herself. Great, the idea of using words in person without thinking them out in advance terrifies her. Literally nothing good can come out of that. Still, it’s not about her. It’s about Olivia and the compromised position Sumia just put her in. 

_ Yeah, I can do that.  _

_ Sorry if I’m a little messy.  _

Sumia sets her phone on her lap and takes a deep breath, kneading her forehead. Her head already hurts. 

_ ok thanks _

Olivia never really texts with any emojis or punctuation or anything implying emotion, and Sumia is used to that, but she’s afraid that there’s something pointed about it now. 

Eventually, the phone buzzes in a style that feels more like a consistent ringing. Sumia knows what it is and suddenly wishes she hadn’t said yes to it, but again, it isn’t about her. It’s about Olivia. So she takes a deep breath, looks up to Naga, and answers it. 

“Hey there.”

The sight. Just seeing her. It’s not like they’ve never used facetime before, and it’s not like Olivia looks strangely. A little tired, perhaps, probably because she never stops practicing except when she’s working out, but she still made time for Sumia. She’s talked about being nearly reliant on routines like that, and she still made time for Sumia after Sumia dropped the bomb on her that she was still in love with her married best friend just a little,  _ still,  _ Olivia makes time for her and  _ still  _ Sumia cannot get over herself, and-

“Hey, don’t cry, honey.”

“I’m cr-”

Damn it. Sumia’s own question is interrupted by her own sob. She closes her eyes because, hell, there’s no way she’s gonna stop it, so she just lets it go. Olivia tuts and coos wordless responses and Sumia just covers her face as best as she can because she’s an ugly crier, not that she can stop instinctively holding the phone up to show her face. Sumia tries to start some words, but she can’t because apparently she has to cry for a minute before she can apologize again, still teary but thankfully not sobbing. 

“You’re really not doing well, huh?” Olivia asks. It’s never patronizing, at worst said with someone who isn’t really sure what to say in response to the well of emotion in Sumia’s heart. Olivia says she’s bad with emotions, and seeing as her very sparse emotional states seem like cosmic accidents, Sumia can believe that. 

Sumia shakes her head. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Olivia says sternly. 

“But I’m really sorry!” Sumia insists. “Because of, like…” Sumia chokes down another sob. “I just hate doing all of this.”

“Your feelings?”

Sumia bows her head. “This isn’t right. I’m doing you so dirty right now, I just can’t shake that.”

Olivia points at herself. Sumia notices that she’s lying on her stomach across a day bed against a brick wall of a studio. Damn it, she really  _ did  _ interrupt Olivia, didn’t she? “How so?” she asks, surprisingly clinical. 

“I mean, like, we’re trying to, you know…” Sumia gestures between the two of them with her free hand. “Trying to do a thing. And, like, I know that’s hard and you’re really doing your best and you’re doing so well. You’re always talking with me and compromising and you’re really dedicated and you’re just, you’re amazing to me, Olivia, and here I am not able to get…” Sumia thinks of her own thoughts with shame. “I can’t let go yet. I keep thinking I’m getting there and that’s because I really do enjoy you, and like, I  _ want  _ to make something work, but I just…” 

“So many years,” Olivia concludes. There’s an edge of disappointment in her tone, but Sumia expected as much. 

“I know,” Sumia moans. “We’ve been friends for decades, and she was so often the only friend I had. Like, the only one who really cared. And I got to know her so well because of that and, like, I’ve had a crush on her for ages-” Definitely not a crush, but she’s not gonna outright say that she’s still in love with Cordelia out loud at a time like this. “And she’s been with Robin for five years, and they’re  _ married  _ now, and it makes me happy but like… it hurts. It hurts in such a stupid and uncreative way and I just feel so dirty for it.”

“That’s so much…” Olivia avoids her gaze at times, but Sumia can still see her. She looks sad, but a sympathetic sort of sad, and it just… Sumia doesn’t deserve that. She’s hurting Olivia and Olivia should know that and turn away from her. But she doesn’t wanna break anything off with Olivia because having Olivia in her life is very good. 

Still… this is about Olivia, not Sumia.

“I really hate that I’m feeling this way,” she starts, sniffling. “And I’m so,  _ so  _ sorry that I do. But, like… in some world where…” She looks at Olivia, and Olivia looks up, curious in a way that makes Sumia’s heart drop and implies that Olivia’s waiting for a storm to drown her. “Gods, like… in a world where she just showed up and confessed some mythical feelings to me… and said she wanted me, like…” She throws her hands up. “I don’t think I’d even think. I’d just go with her. Disappear off the Earth if she wanted.” Ashamed, she finishes with “I kind of want it too anyways. Especially right now.” 

“O-oh.”

Olivia definitely sounds disappointed and a little distraught. Sumia can’t really look at her where her eyes should be right now. All she can do is apologize again, and maybe Olivia will realize that she deserves to be very, very sorry. 

“I just…” Olivia takes a deep breath. “Hon, it’s been five years, right?”

Sumia nods. “I really should be over it by now.”

Olivia runs her fingers across her own palm one by one. “You’ve been trying for so long. Actively trying. And I’ve definitely noticed you getting better during our time together. I mean, when I say it’s been a long time, it’s because… you know, giving up something so important to you after so long… it’s hard. It’s gonna take a lot of effort, and you’re gonna backslide a lot. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t, or that you shouldn’t try, or that you aren’t, you know?”

Sumia tries to process all of that but it all feels like so much. “But I just feel like the more I obsess over her, the more I’m telling myself that you’re a second option. Like you’re just like… less. And you’re not. Or you shouldn’t be. I don’t know if I would be as nice in your shoes.” Olivia gives her a look that says  _ sure you wouldn’t,  _ but Sumia elects to ignore it. “So you just deserve… a lot more than what I’m giving and I can’t figure out how to unlock that without being a liar or doing things that aren’t me.”

Olivia seems to think but fills in space with words so Sumia doesn’t overthink. “I would say…” she starts slowly. “If anything… you know, we talked about this. And we knew progress would be slow for both of us. So, like… we could only give our best that we could. Nothing more or less. And it’s not easy for either of us. And… yeah, there are times where I think of things like… you know, we should be more.”

“I can tell,” Sumia admits. “Like, you talk about  _ us  _ more than I do.”

Olivia looks down, cheeks flushed. “Y-yeah, I mean… it matters a lot to me. And I keep worrying it’ll slip away.” She looks guilty, and Sumia can’t tell why. “But, like… I don’t want you to think that I can’t tell that it matters a lot to you too. And that you’re not worried about the same things.”

Sumia blinks a few times. Then she admits “You’re right. It… it does. I just… I don’t want to be the reason it doesn’t if it doesn’t. I don’t want to fail you like that.”

“But if I fail you, that’s just as bad!” Her retort is steely and a little more heated than usual. 

“I-I mean, if it happens, like, I feel like I probably deserve it. But with you, it’s just… you weren’t her. You didn’t know me for my entire life. It’s all luck.”

“That’s not true,” Olivia argues. 

“I just…” Sumia sighs. It all seems fundamentally factual. “You’re really nice and I appreciate that, but you can see what I mean, right?”

“I can see it, but I definitely don’t agree with it. Not at all.”

Sumia raises her free hand. “That’s because you’re really nice, Olivia, but that just makes me scared that I’m gonna hurt you and neither of us will see it coming.”

Olivia’s jaw drops a little. She looks a little offended. “Seriously?” she retorts, unusually bratty. 

“I’m really just trying to be honest!” Sumia insists. 

“So am I,” Olivia responds. “Because not everything is your fault and not everything hinges on you. If things were to fall through it wouldn’t be because I’m some hapless victim of fate who couldn’t carry the world on her shoulders, and honestly, I really wish you’d stop thinking of it that way. I really do.”

Neither of them speaks. Sumia’s just been thrust into a new paradigm. Olivia’s paradigm. She hadn’t really considered how Olivia felt about this whole situation and she’s really mad at herself for being so self-centered. But what was it she said to herself? It’s not about her, it’s about Olivia. And even though she got that wrong, tried to play Olivia’s part for her, she can get it right this time. She can actually listen to Olivia and understand her. 

Olivia’s breathing is heavy and apologetic. She really shouldn’t be, and Sumia forces a smile to comfort her while trying her damndest not to apologize again. Maybe she should, but it would probably ring hollow and send the signal that Olivia’s making her too sorry and needs to stop being a challenge.

“I almost left a few times,” Olivia admits too quickly. 

Sumia gasps. There’s a dull, painful thud in her chest and she has to wait for a half-minute for her heart to stop beating irregularly, and though she knows she admitted something similar not five minutes ago, it still  _ hurts  _ to know how close she was to  _ losing  _ her and now she’s sorrier than ever that she put Olivia through that, but  _ damn  _ she didn’t anticipate this hurting as much as it did. Olivia looks guiltier the more Sumia can’t speak, the more she knows that she looks a little crestfallen, and Sumia wants to tell her it’s okay, but she also wants to know  _ how close was I, what did I do, how can I make sure I never feel this way again? _

Finally, she just follows the first words that her head replays coherently. “Really?” Pointing to herself: “H-how come?”

“Because I was…” Olivia stops and sighs. “Because I  _ am _ scared, Sumia. I’m scared of a lot of the things that you do to me because they are so good. You’re so caring of me. Just the fact that you proposed this between us at all cares for me more than anyone really has in ages. Whenever I visit, whenever we interact, I get the sense that you want me to be happy. And all of that is good, just  _ so very good, _ but…” 

She sighs again. “Look, it’s… I missed it. I missed that sort of intimacy of caring about someone like I care about you. And I’m not ready for it as much as I should be. And after years of doing the bare minimum for myself, it’s so tempting to go back to that. Just hide from that light like I used to. And sometimes I think I don’t deserve any better than that because I guess… a part of me has always wanted to give up. And I have to fight that all the time.”

“I… I think I get that,” Sumia tries. “As much as I can, anyway.”

“But what would you think of me?” The question is disarmingly pleading, begging for condemnation, and as much as Sumia wants to shush her worries away, her honest thoughts are askew to that. 

“I’d miss you,” she admits. “I’d miss you and I’d wish you hadn’t given up on me. And I’d… if I’m honest those thoughts would come out in ways where I talk crap about myself, because I’d think that I  _ made  _ you give up. But I think… beneath it all, you know… it would still hurt and I’d just want to try again. Get you to come back. To not give up on me. Because I wouldn’t know what went wrong.”

“It’d make me angry,” Olivia whispers, her voice flickering candlelight in a hurricane. “If you  _ left  _ me because of her. For any reason. I’d wonder why I wasn’t good enough. And I would take it too hard and I don’t know how I would fix that but I know that I would be so angry at you.”

Sumia tears up. “I’m so sorry,” she breathes. “I must be scaring you.”

“But the thing is you’re  _ not _ ,” Olivia insists. “Because I don’t think you would leave me because of her. Even if you’re scared of that… that’s not the impression that I get. And even if it were like…” Olivia shrugs in a flippant manner. “ _ Realistic,  _ I guess, that she’d drop everything and decide to marry you, which,  _ sorry,  _ but it really isn’t-”

Sumia giggles despite herself. “I know.” 

“Okay, just didn’t wanna seem too rude,” Olivia responds breathily. She’s clearly relieved. “But the impulse to drop everything for her is just an impulse. A really strong impulse. Just like my strong impulse to give everything up. I think what we’re building is stronger than we think and it’s gonna be stronger than those impulses to hurt ourselves.”

“Okay.”

Sumia smiles but doesn’t say anything more. It all makes sense. It doesn’t feel like it should, and as much as she wants to argue that she could still mess things up, it also feels counteracted by the points that Olivia said and, honestly, Sumia feels. That she doesn’t really want to give this up for anything, even as anything dares her to disagree. 

She doesn’t know what she must be doing, but Olivia giggles in a very charmed way at the way Sumia is relaxing. “I thought you never would, honestly,” she says. 

Sumia laughs awkwardly. “I mean, it  _ is  _ hard sometimes,” she drawls. “But… you really helped. Thank you.”

“Of course,” is the response. “You know… we’re both going through similar things. It’s not gonna be easy, and…” She sighs. “If you’d asked me if I’d be this way a few months back, I’d probably lie and say I would but, like… I wouldn’t. But it’s not a lie now. I just…” 

Her words run out. Sumia prompts “Yeah?”

“I just… maybe this is weird, but I can’t help but feel like we’re going through this together,” she admits. “And that gives me the strength to push through.” She’s blushing. “I think that’s why I’m so adamant on, like… trying to discuss us. Because this is all so unlike me, the idea that…” She clears her throat to try again. “The fact that… I kinda wanna be with you. For real.” 

She holds a hand to her forehead to wipe away fictional sweat and Sumia can hear her breath hasten. A scared Olivia is an Olivia that Sumia worries about, and to be honest… she’s a little smarter than Olivia might think because she definitely saw this coming, her being the one to first propose the idea of them going official. Olivia has a lot of hangups over herself and the kind of person she is, but she moves like she’s afraid that if she stops she’ll get dragged back. Maybe that’s why Sumia tends to be so cautious because she doesn’t want to get Olivia’s hopes up only to fall back herself. 

Still… still, maybe there is something to this  _ togetherness.  _ That it isn’t about Sumia or Olivia alone. 

“I  _ did  _ drag my feet a little,” Sumia admits. “Because of reasons like the call today. It’s complicated and all. I felt like you could do better.” With an awkward laugh: “I still kind of do, but you know, maybe it’ll pass.”

“I hope,” Olivia says with a half-smile, trying and failing to not shake. 

Sumia notices. “I don’t wanna keep dragging my feet, you know? So, like, totally let’s go official.”

Olivia breathes out like she forgot to breathe at all. “Really? You mean that?”

“Totally!” Sumia then realizes she can  _ say  _ that, but the best way to make Olivia believe that is to expand upon it. “I, like… this call really helped. It made me feel secure because you were honest and we, like… we finally talked, you know? About the impulses. And I realized that I don’t want to lose you and, like… how can I lose you if I didn’t already feel like I had you?” With an awkward but endeared giggle “So it was really easy after that!”

“Su…” Olivia coos a little, then sniffles. “Have I ever mentioned that I love how you talk?”

“A lot!” Sumia responds with laughter, a little embarrassed but not notably so. “A whole lot. You’re way more open than you give yourself credit for.”

Olivia kicks her feet behind her. “I try,” she says with a smile. “I just didn’t know if I was open by  _ me  _ standards or in general.”

“ _ Very  _ in general,” Sumia confirms. “I kind of love that about you too. It really helps me not read too much into things.”

Olivia blushes at the word love. She probably knows that Sumia can’t really say that she  _ loves  _ Olivia yet. Olivia doesn’t seem like she can say it back. But there are parts about her that are… miraculous. Miraculous, and unique in all the world to her. And those parts feel like they are uniquely for Sumia. 

“Do you wanna hang up and we can go back to texting?” Olivia asks in a way that clearly offers her an out if she needs it. 

“And miss out on talking to you?” Sumia responds with a quirked eyebrow. “No way, sugar. Not gonna happen. I wanna talk to you about less serious and more fun things.”

Olivia chuckles awkwardly, but she’s beaming. Good. “I mean, I don’t know. I spent a lot of today training, so you might get bored.”

Sumia smiles because of course, Olivia did. She trains so much. She trains so much to be the best she can be, even though she tends to devalue her performances around Sumia like there’s a way Sumia wouldn’t be impressed. That she wouldn’t think Olivia is amazing.

“What’s coming up?” Sumia asks. “That you’re training so much for?”

Olivia smiles. “Oh, just some dance.”

“I’m pretty sure it’s cooler than that.”  _ Just like you’re cooler than you think,  _ Sumia feels.  _ Just like you’re unique in all the world to me. _

_ Already. _

**Author's Note:**

> I like this universe and this relationship and I may invoke it further.
> 
> Much further. 
> 
> P.S. idk what it is about the Unique In All The World monologue from The Little Prince that got to me how it did but holy hell did it


End file.
